Wanted: Driving Instructor / Crash Test Dummy

I will be moving at the end of this month, which means I will have to commute to work and school.
Good news: I'm getting a car.
Bad news for my fellow citizens: I will on the road with them for at least two hours a day.

I have been told that I am the worst driver in the world several times in my life.



I don't know whether it's because I have no depth perception, or because I have no hand-to-eye coordination.



It's possible that its because I got my license without ever taking the driving test (don't ask)



Perhaps it's because I have been pulled over for falling asleep behind the wheel on two different occasions.



Maybe it's because I am generally a ruthless person behind the wheel: making my own lanes, running red lights and stop signs, doing a 360 on a mountain road, playing games that involve running over animals.



It could be because I have been thrown off the freeway backwards. Or because I have ran into a warehouse on motorcycle and crash into shelves with tools.



But I think it was because I have had two head-on collisions. One of them was with a parked car.



I never had any air bags.




But luckily I was OK. Unfortunately the beautiful girl in the passenger seat did not wear a seat belt. After accomplishing what I thought would be impossible, breaking my windshield with her face, she suffered a concussion and a small but permanent scar on her forehead. Unlike me she didn't think the incident was exciting and funny.



It has been three years since I driven a car. But don't worry I will try to be very cautious this time around. In fact I have been spending lots of time practicing my driving.